Why Not to Drug a Vampire
by SarcasticTeenageGenius
Summary: After a rather unique set of circumstances end in Nikola requiring surgery, things take a turn for the worse. Well, kind of- it depends on how you define 'worse'. Formerly called 'Vampires: Just Add Morphine'.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Vampires: Just Add Morphine  
**Genre: **Humor/Crackfic  
**Rating: **T for sexual themes, language, and drug use  
**Pairing: **None.  
**Tagged: **Pre-season 4 finale (Sanctuary)  
**Summary: **After a rather unique set of circumstances end in Nikola requiring surgery, things take a turn for the worse. Well, kind of- it depends on how you define _worse.  
_**Disclaimer: **I do not own Sanctuary or, unfortunately, Nikola Tesla, who happens to be the protagonist of this story and my main reason for my watching the show in the first place.

To say he had the most rotten luck out of anyone would be an understatement. He, Nikola Tesla- scientist, genius, and the self-proclaimed King of the Vampires- had the worst luck that anyone could possibly have, and he was sure of it. It had all started back at Oxford over a hundred years before, when he and his colleagues had injected themselves with a sample of pure, unadulterated vampire blood in an experiment that hadn't been very well thought-out to begin with. Of course, they had all unlocked mysterious and inhuman powers that were still of use even a century later- all of them but _him. _He'd become a vampire- and while he swore up and down that he didn't regret a second of it, he still felt oddly cheated in comparison to his colleagues. The other members of the Five didn't have the occasional craving for human _blood, _after all.

There had been more events in between then and now in which his luck had run out at the most inopportune of times, of course- various occasions in which he'd been stuck in caves, wars, and other unsettling situations that proved near impossible to escape, even for a vampire. Of course, in some such situations he _hadn't _been a vampire- there had been that brief year-long period in which he was human again, and he'd managed to get himself into plenty of trouble during that time, too- but the majority of them were during his vampiric years, and hence only shattered his already fragile ego when he was unable to escape them without help. All in all, he'd experienced his fair share of misfortune during his many years alive- but what happened that night was nothing like anything that had happened before, and somehow, that only made it worse.

The most notable thing about that evening in particular besides the accident itself was the fact that he'd been drinking plenty, though he _was _entirely sober. That was one of the qualities of his vampirism that had come back to bite him in the ass every so often- no matter how much he drank or how quickly, he could never get drunk. Of course, that was a benefit as far as remaining sober and still consuming copious amounts of wine while working was concerned, but that wasn't the problem- no, the problem arose when he was _trying _to get drunk and his goddamn perfect-excuse-of-a-metabolism wouldn't let him. So, as much as he would've liked to have been drunk at that moment, as he did every now and then for no real reason whatsoever, he was as sober as could be.

He'd spent most of his time fiddling away at this and that for hours in his office- an equation he just couldn't get to balance out here, a piece of an invention that he'd never quite managed to perfect there. He'd been at it for at least eight or nine hours already- since noon, though he was hardly keeping track of the time. The best indicator that any number of hours had passed were the bottles collected on the floor- all expensive, well-aged wines he'd been sipping at while he worked, or taken the occasional hearty gulp from when he was particularly frustrated. There were five or six on the floor already- any regular human being would be drunk as all hell by now- but Nikola was still as coherent as ever, albeit much to his chagrin.

Eventually, though, he'd resigned himself to filling out sheet after sheet of paperwork instead, seeing as Helen had long since banned him from using the black market to get what supplies he needed for his inventions, and that left him forced to use various more legal means to do just that- all of which, unfortunately, required such paperwork, and that he currently happened to be behind on anyways. However, even _he _had to take a break every now and then, and he'd just stood up from his desk and cracked his knuckles when the craving hit him- that familiar pang of pure _hunger _that came with being a vampire that didn't drink human blood on a regular basis. Helen had managed to fix up some medication for him that would do the trick, sure- it tasted horrible, but it was better than drinking blood whenever he got hungry- but at the moment, that was sitting on the edge of the chalkboard on the other side of the office.

With a reluctant sigh, he took a step out from behind the desk towards where several vials full of the stuff rested. He hadn't been paying attention on the desk itself, though- the corner of it raked across his thigh and through his pant leg, and it was that momentary pain that distracted him from the fact that the foot he'd set forward had landed on a wine bottle. In a matter of seconds, he'd fallen- but rather than hitting the hardwood floor, he staggered a few extra steps and landed chest-first on one of the upright bottles resting there. And apparently, with the right amount of force and the ideal conditions- of which, it seems, he had- it _was, _in fact, possible to shatter a wine bottle and drive the shards right through your heart simply by falling on it.

To say the pain was excruciating would be an understatement. It was almost as bad as the time Druitt had torn his heart out- _almost,_ but not quite. Regardless, he did still let out a strangled noise that sounded more like a wounded animal than anything as he curled onto his side, one hand groping for the shards protruding from his chest but only managing to slice said hand open in the process. He'd meant to call for Helen- his immortality might be able to keep this from killing him, but the shards _would _have to be removed, and she was a doctor- but as he let in a shaky breath to try to speak, pain shot through his entire body and instead, four different words slipped out, his jaw clenched tight against the pain.

"Son- of- a- _BITCH!_"

Yes, this was definitely another day when his luck just so happened to go down the drain.

* * *

This is the first chapter of what will likely be a four or five chapter-long story, based off of an idea a friend (AnthropologistGirlInTheMakin g) and I came up with over lunch one day. I'd love to hear what people think- this is the first Sanctuary/Tesla fic I've ever done, and I don't know- I thought I was a bit ramble-y at parts. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it! It was a pleasure to write- albeit, a tad difficult at times.


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry for the late update, guys. Some stuff happened in real life that made writing the least of my priorities, plus I've had school to deal with. With any luck, I'll be able to get out a chapter or two each week now, or maybe even more- it all depends on just how much free time I have. I'd also like to thank those who've reviewed the story- it's really encouraging, and I'm happy you guys like it! So, without further ado, chapter two.

* * *

"Goddammit, Helen! Just- just _stop _that!"

The wounded vampire let out a long string of curses in Serbian as the doctor in question prodded at yet another one of the glass shards currently embedded in his skin. She'd had a hell of a time so much as convincing him to take his shirt off minutes before- not only was he severely lacking in muscle and therefore more shy than he would like to admit when it came to his bare torso, but he was also a bit of a germaphobe on top of it all, and she wasn't wearing gloves at the moment- and she had ended up having to help him with it in the end as his skin healed shut around the cuts, and while she may not have had any problem with it, it just made things all the worse for him. However, of one thing he was entirely certain- having his heart torn out was just a little paper cut compared to this.

"Calm down, Nikola. You'll just force them in even deeper by stressing yourself."

"I'm not stressing myself, I just wish you would stop- _son of a bitch!_"

"...you were saying?"

She moved away from his hospital bed, ignoring the venomous glare he sent in her direction, to a series of cabinets and drawers sitting nearby and began to dig through them. They were in the Sanctuary infirmary, a place he both detested and adored at the same time, as strange as that may sound- detested because of his inherent dislike of hospitals, infirmaries, and anything of the sort, but adored because so many scientific discoveries had been made in this very room. It was... exhilarating, almost, to know that so many lives had been saved and microscopic abnormals discovered where he was lying right now, though in all honesty, his mind was currently far more preoccupied with the fact that his chest currently resembled a pincushion and felt like one, too. Otherwise, he'd no doubt be far too busy reminiscing to pay attention to the situation at hand.

Helen soon retrieved what it was she'd been searching for and started back over towards the bed, though the angle made it impossible for him to get a glimpse of exactly what it was she'd taken from the drawer, and that alone was enough to make him worry. She came to a stop beside the bed and, keeping her right hand and therefore the tool cleverly hidden from his view, skimmed her eyes over the injuries once more, her face a portrait of pure concentration. The skin that had managed to heal around the glass was inflamed and red, something even his vampirism wasn't able to correct for him, and that made it clear enough just what they'd have to do. It was only then that she let the tool become visible, setting it on the edge of the bed but carefully out of his reach for a moment as she finally slipped on a pair of gloves, and his relief at that last action was short lived as he realized just what her intentions were.

"You're not seriously going to _operate _on me, are you? And while I'm _awake _at that?"

"Relax, Nikola. It'll only take a few moments, and I assure you, you've dealt with far worse pain than this already. Besides, traditional anaesthetics will just be overridden by your metabolism- we either do this with you awake, or not at all."

"How about-"

"That was a _statement_, not a choice. Now sit still."

That was all the warning she gave him as she picked up the scalpel between deft fingers and, moving one hand to rest on an uninjured part of his chest to hold him down, decided on her starting point and lowered the tool to make a small incision. Nikola's reaction was instantaneous, with him tensing up entirely and letting out a sound in the back of his throat somewhere between a whimper and a growl, and she had to force herself not to laugh as a result. Now was no time to taunt him any further, after all. She had known him long enough to know that kicking him when he was down was a very, very bad idea.

One of the benefits of operating on a vampire was that she didn't have to be as cautious as she typically was with her patience- she did still use gloves, a mask over her face, and a completely sterilized scalpel, though she otherwise had very little to worry about in terms of keeping things sanitary. There was no chance of his cuts getting infected, after all, and so her biggest concern was simply getting the shards out and disposed of without damaging herself or anyone _else _in the process. As a result, the procedure in itself didn't take too long to perform, though it was obvious from Nikola's words as she finally removed the last of the glass pieces that he was far from impressed.

"...look at me. I look like I've been attacked by a- an angry _cat, _or- or some other creature with claws."

"Such as a vampire?"

What would have typically earned her some flirty but entirely sarcastic comment from him on a regular day only caused him to shoot her yet another glare, too sore and bloody to bother to come up with some witty retort. Believe it or not, flirting was hardly a priority for him anyways- it was more of a habit than anything. He hardly relied on it to survive, and right now, he was much more focused on the multiple gashes across his chest. At least the glass was removed, though- that was allowing the cuts the ability to heal properly, and slowly but surely they were doing just that.

Of course, Nikola had never been one for patience, and being covered in his own blood was hardly an appealing idea at the moment. He may not typically be obsessive about bathing- not when his work so easily distracted him for days or sometimes even weeks on end- but right now, he needed to get the blood off of himself and to slip back into a clean suit, seeing as his current one was ruined. There was no point in bandaging the incisions- they were already closing up, though the pain that remained from both the operation and the glass shards themselves was just as bad as it had been when she'd started the procedure, if not worse.

Regardless, he immediately sat himself up and shifted to slide off of the hospital bed and onto his feet, though it appeared he had underestimated the pain doing so would cause him. In short, the next thing he knew, he was crumpled in the fetal position on the ground, hands clutching at his bare chest and only ending up covered in his (already drying) blood as a result. Of course, being the doctor that she was, Helen had rushed over to his side and began helping him to his feet in a matter of seconds, though that still didn't make any of this much easier for him and he resorted to supporting himself against the hospital bed as his gaze met hers once more, this time sad and even pleading. He didn't have to speak for her to know what he wanted, and she let out a small sigh of exasperation before turning away from him and going about cleaning up the room and what blood Nikola had managed to get all over it. She did, however, send a few words over her shoulder to him in response, and he had never been so relieved to receive such a response.

"...I'll see what I can do."


	3. Chapter 3

It took the remainder of the day and a good portion of the next morning before Helen was able to get her hands on the supplies she needed, and even then she had to turn to some of her less ethical suppliers to do just that. Her regular sources knew just how... _icy_... she could be with some of the people she dealt with on a regular basis after all, and the last thing they needed was to hear of a mysterious death as a result of supplying her with just what she was requesting, even if she knew herself that she'd never sink to such low acts unless absolutely necessary. Regardless, early the next afternoon she had a rather fussy Serbian fastened in the vampire-proof restraints, which she kept around just in case they were needed (and _not_, as she had to assure the vampire on multiple occasions, because she had a fetish), and ready for 'treatment'.

"Now, Nikola, I'm now sure just how effective this will be, and I _will _have to give you a considerably high dose in order for it to work, but if all goes well..."

"Just give me the goddamned shot!"

"Not if you're going to be _snippy_."

"...Fine. _Please_ give me the goddamn shot?"

"Good boy."

Despite the sexual innuendo he knew he could easily glean from her response, he simply resigned herself to giving her a death glare as she went to work preparing the injection. In one hand, she held the syringe she was going to use- sterile and never before used, of course. Nikola may be unable to contract diseases or infections, but she did still like to have some standard of hygiene when she worked, and this was no exception. Cradled in her other hand was a test tube appropriately labelled "C17H19NO3", the chemical formula for morphine, though she had personally altered it to make it as highly concentrated as possible. As she'd mentioned to the vampire, she'd need to give him a significantly large dose for it to keep ahead of his metabolism, and giving him multiple injections would take too long. She could only hope it was in a high enough concentration right now to do just that, and most of all, that it would ease Nikola's pain for at least a few hours.

"Now hold still. This will likely pinch a little..."

"I'm insulted, Helen. You were able to operate on me while I was conscious, and you still think a little_ needle_ can- _shit!_"

She'd grabbed a hold of his arm and injected the drug directly into the first vein she found even before he finished speaking, leaving him tense and writhing in pain underneath her as the highly alkaline substance entered his bloodstream. She took a moment to hold her gloved finger over the injection site as she withdrew the needle from his arm, though his skin closed over it within seconds and she pulled away to go dispose of the syringe and properly store the remaining drugs while he recovered. She wouldn't lie- part of her was worried that the amount of morphine in his system now would do some harm- but at the same time, she really didn't have much of a choice but to sit back and trust her instincts, all of which were telling her that he would be fine. Her instincts had rarely steered her wrong before- she could only hope now was no different.

"With your metabolism, it will likely only take thirty seconds or so to take complete effect. Until then, try to-"

She'd finished what she was doing and turned around while she spoke, though the sight she was greeted by as her eyes landed on him left her frozen in her tracks and not continuing her words any further, simply staring in pure, stunned surprise. Nikola was lying on the bed as expected with the restraints still firmly holding him down by his arms and legs, but there was something different about him that instantly had her in a panic. His eyes were completely glazed over and a glossy reddish hue, and besides a faint smile on his face, he was entirely still. Within seconds, she was at his bedside, one hand reaching to lightly pat his cheek a few times in hopes of getting his attention and the other moving to his shoulder to hold him down should he suddenly move to sit up. Meanwhile, her eyes were a picture of pure concern and her worried gaze didn't leave him as she began speaking, beginning to fear that she had made a horrible mistake,

"Nikola? Nikola, are you alright? Can you hear me? Nikola?"

All of a sudden, a small sound that could only be described as a giggle pierced the air, and she knew for a fact it hadn't come from her. This was no laughing matter, after all- the Serbian could very well be dying, and it would be her fault at that. However, moments later the sound came again and she realized with some shock that it was coming from the vampire himself. He was still lying motionless on the bed at the moment, but what had once been a worryingly faint smile had now stretched into a big, goofy grin and his gaze was now aimed in her general direction. His mouth slowly opened as he finally attempted to speak, causing her concerned gaze to change to completely, utterly dumfounded.

"...I... I feel kin'a weird. Wha'd'ja give me again?"

Despite the confusion in his voice, the grin never faded and the amusement was obvious in his reddened eyes, leaving her staring at him in complete shock. On one hand, he was okay- but on the other, he wasn't, not in the slightest. It didn't take her long to realize just what had happened though, and in a matter of seconds, her confusion had turned to exasperation as it hit her just what was going on. His grin faded a little with that look, making him appear much more like a kicked puppy than the self-proclaimed King of the Vampires, but that didn't stop her next aggravated (but also involuntarily amused) words from slipping out as everything became abundantly clear.

"...don't tell me. You're completely stoned."


	4. Chapter 4

"Just _what_ did you give him again?"

"...a dosage of highly concentrated morphine. Enough to overdose a small elephant."

Despite the morbidity of her words, Helen was far from worried at the moment- no, it was exasperation and embarrassment that were most prominent in her voice right now. She had come to Will hoping to convince him to take over the Sanctuary- unofficially, of course- for the next few days while she sorted everything out with Tesla, but instead he was barely managing to hold back laughter that did little to help her already wounded ego. She'd been certain she'd made the proper calculations- that given Nikola's height and weight with his metabolism factored in, the dose of morphine would be no more than enough to numb his senses for a few hours. She certainly hadn't expected him to get _high _off of it.

"In my defence, my calculations-"

"They were _wrong_, Magnus. Just admit it."

"Never."

With that last word, she stood up from behind her desk, the breeze created by her abrupt movement displacing a few loose sheets of paper in the process. She could reorganize those later, though- right now, she had a drugged vampire still restrained (and, last she'd checked, entranced with the artificial lights on the ceiling and the "way they felt against his skin") in the infirmary that needed overseeing. She'd gotten her point across to Will already, and she was confident he'd do what she'd asked whether he was taking the situation seriously right now or not. He wasn't the kind to let abnormals suffer over something so trivial and preventable, after all, and especially not if Tesla was behind it in some way. Before she could reach the door, though, he spoke one last time, earning an involuntary grin from her, not that she turned back to allow him to see it.

"...at least take a few pictures, will you? A video?"

"Goodbye, Will."

With that, she swept off and out of her office, leaving a stunned but amused Will behind. She had one more stop to make before she reunited with Tesla and his inebriated state, though- one that was far less appealing than even confronting her protege had been. Sure, Will could handle feeding and overseeing abnormals just fine, especially with Henry and the Big Guy to help him, but there was another aspect that had to be taken into consideration when it came to the Sanctuary. Many of the abnormals were dangerous on some level, after all, and even some of the ones that roamed free would be better off out of Nikola's line of sight until the medication wore off. Not to mention, there were still shipments to deal with on a daily basis and only one person Helen knew who could manage all of that and more single-handedly- and unfortunately for her, Kate Freelander would get much more of a kick out of her accidental intoxication of everyone's favourite vampire than anybody.

It took her longer to locate Kate than it did Will, which was understandable given the fact that the latter had his own office and the former a tendency to wander without enlightening anyone as to where she was going. It took her a solid hour and some help from Biggie, but Helen did eventually manage to find her visiting the SHU, where the residents that were too dangerous to themselves or others were locked up to prevent too much damage being done. The younger woman took the news surprisingly well, though she laughed for a good ten minutes or so before calming down enough to accept the increased responsibility and bid Magnus goodbye. Finally, with that done, it was once again time to return to Nikola, and as she headed for the elevator the older woman could only pray for the sake of her sanity that this dosage of the medication would be beginning to wear off by now.

It was only as she approached the door to the infirmary that she realized just how quiet the room now was, though she simply attributed the silence to Tesla having conked out once again thanks to the high concentration of morphine currently pulsing through his veins, or maybe he'd simply fallen silent once she left. Either way, she made sure to keep her footsteps light as she reached the entrance, inching it open and sliding in without a word, though she was puzzled by the realization that there was no sound at all- not even that of breathing, not that it was a necessity for the vampire to do anyways. It was only as his bed finally came into view that she noticed that the restraints that had held the vampire down were torn apart, and her heart skipped a beat at the realization that followed seconds later. The bed was empty.

Nikola Tesla was gone.


End file.
